passive enlightenment

I have been reading a book compiled by a late 19th century author called Paul Carrus. It is called The Teachings of Buddha. Here is a passage that has stuck with me, since an argument Haley and I had recently.

"Self is a fleeting error; it is individual separateness and that egotism which engenders envy and hatred. Self is the yearning for pleasure and the lust after vanity. Truth us the correct comprehension of things; it is the permanent and everlasting, the real in all existence, the bliss of righteousness. The existence of self is an illusion, and there is no wrong in this world, no vice, no evil, except what flows from the assertion of self. The attainment of truth is possible only when self is recognized as an illusion. Righteousness can be practiced only when we have freed out mind from passions of egotism. Perfect peace can dwell only where all vanity has disappeared."

I feel sometimes that I am irreparably flawed, that I cannot even hope to become the person I want to be. That simply I am who I am and there is no such thing as complete change in a person. Then I read things like this and the change seems even more overwhelming. But all this week, I realized even more how weak I am. How little will power I have to stop myself from doing things I know are bad for me.

This has only made me more determined. I will make mistakes, I am not perfect. I must accept that being hard on myself is part of my ego (for all of the wrong reasons), and correct my behavior accordingly. I also must accept that ego is a big part of everyone's life in this society as it is, and stop fighting it. It is not my battle to fight for others, just WITH them. I have a hard enough time doing it for myself.

It's not because I want to be better than others (as if I have life figured out hahaha), but FOR others in my life, and for myself. If I am a better centered person, I will be a better mother for my kids, and a more stable person in general. The self doubt I apply to everything must stop. I feel like if I don't overcome this huge obstacle, I will not be able to win this fight to better myself.

(Simply put) I am self centered, and I want to tone it down a bit.
I want to be a better wife, a better friend, a better person.

Formulating a plan is easy. Putting it in regular practice in and under stress is another thing entirely.

PS: Even the video inspired me today. I found this under the comments for this video on YouTube.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

or as Haley quoted to me yesterday
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and procaliming, " Wow, what a ride!"