Things are GOOOOOOD

Hello, again the internet!

Are you as happy as I am that it is the weekend?!?!?

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I am currently on day 6 of NO SMOKING!
Well, not real cigarettes anymore anyways. 

Adam and I went last Saturday to a shop
and got us both one of these little vapes. 

Our latest little baby steps ⏳

He got watermelon and I got mixed berry.
It was weird and unfulfilling at first. 

But better than any other "fake smoke" I've tried before.

I could tell I was getting the nicotine because we chose a salt bae brand. 

It is more like the nicotine rush of an actual cigarette.

 BUT IT JUST WASNT THE SAME!

No, Jennifer...

We are doing this...

This decision is non-negotiable.

PERIOD.

I buckled down and MADE this my new norm.

(for now) until I give this thing up too.

baby steps ⏳

I still felt withdrawal symptoms... and in my opinion

(now that this is my EIGHTH time quitting smoking
and I feel like I know myself better now)

1. It was a combination of not smoking real cigs 

and not getting 100 other chemicals in them that are addictive

and make me feel like shit all of the time

coughing and hacking

and stinking like an ashtray

2. And this weird oral/hands fixation I seem to have.

I still hold my vape sort of like a cigarette. 

I can't do patches because I'm allergic to the adhesive they use.
(as well as bandaids)

I can't do the gum because of my
uncomfortable
fake-ass
fantastic looking teeth.

I won't try Chantix because my brother tried that drug to quit
and it changed his personality 

and I can be sensitive to that sort of thing as well.

So I went with a vape. I know I can't continue with this forever

because it isn't good for you either.

but baby steps ⏳

But it has now been 6 days, and

I am actually okay with this.

I only feel the strong urge to smoke

1. when I get up

2. when I drink

In my mind, I need to replace

1. waking up and wanting to smoke

with getting up and exercising

AND

2. Drinking

with NOT drinking!

AND drinking more water!

These substitutions are ONLY better for me in the long run...

I know this thing.

I want to find me a little dog to be a walking/running buddy in the mornings.

Preferably a dog that can be a couch/lap dog
and also be a sturdy active companion.

We will have so many walks!

I wish I could have had this kind of mindset when I had Yaya,

I honestly think she would have been the best dog for this,

if only I had seen that we both really needed that at the time.

I think she would have been happier too.

(I REALLY miss my Yaya) ☹

But we must focus on the now.

I get up at 5am. Get new pup. Bathroom. Get dressed. 

Drink a big glass of water and my first fueling while put the coffee on to brew.

Take pup and walk for 30-45 mins. Home and coffee and shower for work.

(Later once this routine is cemented,
and I get to a point where I CAN work out more...)

Take pup home and work out in the workout room in my apartment complex for 30 mins.

Come home, coffee, and shower for work.

It means getting up another hour and a half earlier.

But I need this. I need this chance to finally get my body in a better place.

For me and my own self-worth and confidence,

And for my future.

with
baby steps ⏳

Because it only goes downhill from here, right?

🌈💀🌈

I will never ever ever ever ever be yo side chick

I took a break from literally everything after River Rock's last show, and then the December installation list at work, and then Christmas. I said I AINT DOIN SQUAT for at least a couple of weeks. And I didn't. I played The Sims and watched tv, and I just tried to relax and take some
ME time.

In that short time my grandfather, Gene Morris, passed away. The only good thing about that week was that I got to be with my mother, who I love and miss very much.

Then Shannon, my cousin, called me to let me know that my uncle, James Russell, passed away as well. That made me sad, and I wish I could have visited with him one last time before he left this world. Of all of the men in my life that were an influence on me, Jim Russell was the best one. I always wished he could have been my father, and as horrible as that sounds it is absolutely true.

(Historic Elmwood Cemetery)

I won't talk much about Gene. I have a complicated past with him, and it won't do me any good to spew venom here about it. I will say however that much like when my father died, I feel like this is a chapter of my life that I can finally close and I can move on. We can't change people or the past. All we can do is reaffirm ourselves in the knowledge that we are confident and powerful and that we are ultimately the masters of how we allow life to affect us. I won't let any man or woman make me feel powerless or insignificant ever again. 

People like that don't deserve my time or energy anymore. 

I AM AWESOME.

I LOVE MYSELF.

YOUR LOSS.

Art I have made recently:

I am getting better at what I do every day. There are bigger changes coming. I must stop smoking, and start exercising seriously. I am determined to get this weight off of me. 

One foot in front of the other.

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