passive enlightenment

I have been reading a book compiled by a late 19th century author called Paul Carrus. It is called The Teachings of Buddha. Here is a passage that has stuck with me, since an argument Haley and I had recently.

"Self is a fleeting error; it is individual separateness and that egotism which engenders envy and hatred. Self is the yearning for pleasure and the lust after vanity. Truth us the correct comprehension of things; it is the permanent and everlasting, the real in all existence, the bliss of righteousness. The existence of self is an illusion, and there is no wrong in this world, no vice, no evil, except what flows from the assertion of self. The attainment of truth is possible only when self is recognized as an illusion. Righteousness can be practiced only when we have freed out mind from passions of egotism. Perfect peace can dwell only where all vanity has disappeared."

I feel sometimes that I am irreparably flawed, that I cannot even hope to become the person I want to be. That simply I am who I am and there is no such thing as complete change in a person. Then I read things like this and the change seems even more overwhelming. But all this week, I realized even more how weak I am. How little will power I have to stop myself from doing things I know are bad for me.

This has only made me more determined. I will make mistakes, I am not perfect. I must accept that being hard on myself is part of my ego (for all of the wrong reasons), and correct my behavior accordingly. I also must accept that ego is a big part of everyone's life in this society as it is, and stop fighting it. It is not my battle to fight for others, just WITH them. I have a hard enough time doing it for myself.

It's not because I want to be better than others (as if I have life figured out hahaha), but FOR others in my life, and for myself. If I am a better centered person, I will be a better mother for my kids, and a more stable person in general. The self doubt I apply to everything must stop. I feel like if I don't overcome this huge obstacle, I will not be able to win this fight to better myself.

(Simply put) I am self centered, and I want to tone it down a bit.
I want to be a better wife, a better friend, a better person.

Formulating a plan is easy. Putting it in regular practice in and under stress is another thing entirely.

PS: Even the video inspired me today. I found this under the comments for this video on YouTube.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

or as Haley quoted to me yesterday
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and procaliming, " Wow, what a ride!"

I only have a second...

I will admit, part of my lack of writing anything at all is just plain laziness. Another part was this last semester's classes. Thank goodness its over, and I get two weeks off. I really need it this time. Work has picked back up as well, so little of my free time is spent on anything other than my fiance and the
all-consuming,
all-encompassing
LOTRO
lol

I must apologize to Ryan, I hadn't been to blogger in a couple of months. We need to catch up some! I work a double tomorrow. Friday after work, I have to take my car into the dealership to get two Honda recalls on my car fixed. Airbag defect. YAY.
But I AM off on Saturday! Good YAY!!! haha

:p

Here, listen to this and try not to be freaked out by how much makeup she can hold up with just her head. Ah, don't pick on her, she's having fun.

Currently playing on JennyRadio:

AAAHHH!!!

I was so frustrated just a minute ago that I sent an email to the feedback section of ABC's website.

"Every time I watch any video that has the Target Ad running in the background, the video is extremely choppy visually and completely unwatchable. Any other ad does not cause this problem, only the Target Ad with the unnecessarily smug lady covered in wiggly little intractable red bubbles. I wait for her to strut her sassy self off screen, and then I try to watch the video again, only to eventually close it in frustration because it makes my head hurt to watch! Please make Target fix it!"

I will wipe this machine completely clean again before Ill spend another minute reinstalling and reconfiguring to figure out WHY it wont do what I WANT it to do and WHY it does WHATEVER it feels like. haha OK I vented. I feel better now. I don't know enough. Something else I need to learn.

I started MED 160 tonight. This class is called Medical Law and Ethics, and is taught by a very nice lady named Yolanda Davis. I thought right away that she is a boisterous and over the top, but in a good way. I hope there's no offense when I say she reminds me of a reverend's wife, or someone from the deep south like my home state of Mississippi. Dramatic words but no nonsense, and she'd give you the skin off of her back if you needed it. Listening to her talk is serious because of the subject matter, but she even said at one point that with a class like this, where there is ALOT of talking and little visual stimulus, you must learn to be creative and captivate you audience. I think she does a fantastic job. This class is shaping up to be exactly what I hoped it would be.

Im off tomorrow!!! YAY!!! I've been away for a few days because of my health. I'm sure I didn't mention it, but recently I had to go to the hospital for a cyst that burst in my uterus. I don't recommend the experience. I've never felt pain like that before. The only thing I have to compare to that was when I almost lost my right eye. This was so much worse because it was such a sharp pain and so overwhelming that all I could do was throw up and hope that I passed out soon. It literally made me want to crawl out of my skin. It was absolutely horrible. Haley knows what I'm talking about. Being a woman can really suck sometimes. I got an antibiotic, and they sent me home. Once the pain stops there's not much they can do for you. It burst and now your body just has to process out the toxins released by it. Oh, but not MY body. MY body decided to hang on to some of that disgusting toxin and store it up in my leg. It became absessed and had to repeat the terrible visit, but this time the pain was in my leg and I didn't go into the emergency room. They want too much money!!! This infection BS is starting to get to me. For one, MONEY!!! That's all I'm saying! Secondly, it runs you down. Physically, no matter how much sleep I get it never feels like enough. Even when I'm in a really good mood, I just don't have much energy to do anything. Things are getting better though. I'm mending nicely, and I should be going to a general practitioner sometime this week.

Now playing on JennyRadio:

I can't find the complete lyrics for this song anywhere, but I swear he says Beale Street!

Sleepy and silly!

I took this picture a while back.
I was up late messing with the camera in my new phone.

I'm really tired tonight, and I have to work tomorrow,
so I'm going to turn in early.
(well, early for ME.)
But know - I am almost done with the term paper
that is due this Monday.
I might post it, if anyone cares to read it.
I know Mr. Nichelson will!

Oh and btw,
go and visit the love of my life
on his blog
He recently posted
about a HUGE house
11 stories tall,
built by some guy,
IN A TREE.
Craziest thing I've seen.
ALSO, located here in TN.
How about that.

Currently playing on JennyRadio:

I got my hair cut today.
Aint it cute?

And Im off tomorrow. YAY!!!
I get to sleep in as long as I want lol