Live in the moment, never count on longevity

I had a pretty ok day. I was right that I would be alone in the office. Don was there off and on for part of the day, but he went out a few times to the bank and the post office. It was rather quiet throughout the day, but I had a lot of work to do, so I stayed pretty busy. And also pretty damned bored lol I had to work up the petty cash account for the Jackson branch, and I worked up a few sales orders, so yeah EXCITING. The one thing that kept me going today was my little MP3 player.

Since I have been in hermit stance for the last few weeks, I have picked up some pretty cool new music from a few different places on the web. I share a lot of them on my facebook page, if you know where to find that. I have been using that page as a bullshit posting ground for funny images and music, to try to keep myself in better spirits. A few weeks ago I had a falling out with someone close to me (and yet so far) that has pretty much killed my desire to talk or discuss pretty much anything beyond a few words. Facebook is full of shit anyways. I don't even personally know over half or the people I am friends with, and the ones I DID know are leading their own lives. I mean what do we have to talk about anymore? And the guys who want to pick up ladies on facebook, SERIOUSLY? It's honestly just skeevy to try and talk all hot and sexy to a girl on fucking facebook.

I'm just so tired of people's bullshit. I don't want to pretend anymore. I think I've grown bitter about life lately, and I need to change that for the better. I need to do something different. When I figure out what that is I'll let you know.

I think I'm gonna go sleep. You have the helm Number One.

you are SUCH a downer...

(Lost my grip and my vision gone dull)

I am back again after a long self absorbed hiatus. Who know how long this will last? I have gotten out of talking to myself too much because I hate to hear the voices in my head just ramble on. The dark side has taken hold for a while, and I have drowned myself in vodka and music too much lately, dumbing down the light inside so I can sit and feel sorry for myself. She would be angry with me if she knew how I felt inside, and how much I feed the sorrow in me. I miss her. I miss hearing her voice on my lunch break. All of the things I missed, and all the things we could have done or said, or learned from one another, all gone. What could have been haunts me forever. Another missed chance, another squandered opportunity. I tell myself that she understood me, when I don't even understand myself most of the time. It's all bullshit, and I know it.

but i still miss her

and memaw too

I like to think that they both watch me

but I know that's bullshit too

After her funeral, I lost all desire to create, until tonight. I came home after work and for the first time in two months, I felt the need to make something pretty. So I did.

Cane glass. With round and square silver spacer beads. I like it so much, I'm gonna wear it to work tomorrow. I think they'd both like it a lot.

I'm up too late and I'm probably alone in the office tomorrow, so I should go. Sorry I'm such a downer right now. Maybe you should go and read something happy to counter the downer on this page today. I'll be okay, eventually.

<3>

I lost someone dear to me

Wanda Morris died on Tuesday, June 5, 2012 at 945 am. I will miss her eternally. She understood me in ways I cannot express. Her wake is at 5 pm on Thursday the 7th. Her funeral will be be held on Friday June the 8th at 10am at the Family Funeral Care on Summer Avenue.

I cannot even talk about it at this point. I am too overwhelmed.

<3

losing someone I love very much

(no music this time, in honor of my grandmother, 

who cherishes peace and quiet)

My grandmother has been in the hospital for like 3 weeks now. It started out as a cold, then turned into bronchitis, then became pneumonia. They admitted her with a good prognosis, I mean she had fluid on her lungs, but they seemed confident that she would be all right in the end. 

The bombarded the inflammation in her lungs with steroid treatments, and breathing treatments to help her get the oxygen she desperately needed. Her oxygen saturation was fluctuating but it seemed ok. She was tired a lot from coughing, but it was coming up and she seemed to be getting a little better. Then they told us that her kidneys weren't doing so well, so they discontinued the steroids, and she even told me she felt better after that.

The next day was a different story. Her kidneys weren't waking up and doing their job, so they talked about dialysis to hopefully kick start them running again. But the dialysis didn't do it's job, and she took several treatments that week, the didn't seem to do anything for her except exhaust her. She stopped eating. I got her to eat a little fruit, and drink a little tea, but she couldn't even look at the food let alone eat it. 

She was getting worse and it seemed no matter what was done, she felt worse each day. She even looked it. Each day I've seen her, she looks weaker and weaker. She couldn't talk for even a few seconds without being out of breath. They took her up to the ICU unit to keep a better watch on her they said, but it was obvious that things were progressing faster. The doctors talked about how she might surprise them and be ok, but things were looking worse with each day. Best case scenario they said was she would be on dialysis and oxygen from here on out. Worst case, she wouldn't leave the hospital alive. It was hard to swallow but we hoped she would push through and get better.

Suddenly on Saturday, her blood pressure dropped. They had put her on a ventilator with constant oxygen feeding through a mask (which dried up and burned her face) and eventually a nose fed respirator, but she keeps breathing through her mouth. She says it feels like she can't get a breath if she doesn't breathe through her mouth as well as her nose.

They told us on Sunday that she was dying. They moved her from the ICU to another room on the fourth floor. We knew what was coming next. There was nothing left to do but let her go. They have stopped all medications, all insulin regiments, even the IV nutrients she needs from the lack of food. It is all about making her as comfortable as possible until the inevitable happens. 

I went in today after work, and she could barely keep her eyes open, let alone speak. She is drifting in and out of consciousness, and was in pain and nauseous. She almost got sick several times, and they eventually came in later after everyone left and it was just me and Aunt Lisa, and gave her something for it. They have also started pushing IV morphine to help with the pain.

I tried so hard not to cry in front of her. I tried so hard to be rock hard and just be there for her tonight. I did cry for a long time after I watched my mother cry while holding her hand. My mother NEVER cries, and when she did today, it was immediate surrender on my part to the emotions I have held back for days now. 

My grandfather told my brother the other day that not only is he losing his wife, but he is losing his best friend. They have been married for 65 years, and I can't imagine what he is going through on the inside. I really do feel bad for my mother and Aunt Lisa as well. They lost a sister this year, and now they are losing their mother.

Lisa is sleeping there tonight, and I will go in at 7 the morning and let her go home and shower so she can work. I took the day off, and I want to stay there with her as long as I can. IF she survives the night, it might be the last time I get to spend with her.

If she does go in her sleep tonight, I hope it is peacefully, and not painfully or in confusion.

<3

Just cause I liked it.

<3

another taste of heavenly rush

OR if you want to see the lyrics or hear the full studio version,

(which is prettier in my opinion)

CLICK HERE

Every day, all day and night, this song is in the back of my head. Ever since the first time I heard it, I have swelled up with emotion. Each and every time I hear it, I just want to cry. That it is the kind of effect her voice has on me. Coupled with the strings and orchestra and choir in the back, I feel overwhelmed by sadness, and anger, and also hope and faith. It has all of my favorite things in it. A powerful yet beautiful female voice, strings, piano, a synthesizer, a swelling choir, a sweeping march, even 80's sound effects (lol)...the ups and downs of the song give me goosebumps each time. The lyrics even speak to me in a personal way that I am not willing to share with you. :p 

How is it that this song, or more to the point, this type of music can do this to me?

Truth be told, I am FITS over the release of this movie. The day cannot get here fast enough for me. It's one of my favorite fairy tales, and this dark turn they have put on it speaks to me much like the dark fantasies of my childhood. I have purposely NOT watched a lot of the release videos and behind the scenes stuff cause I want it to all be new and exciting when I finally do see it. I might just crawl my hermit ass out of my door and actually GO to a movie theater and see it. I rarely do that, even for something I might like.  We shall see if it lives up to my expectations.

What have I been doing lately you ask? Well, as usual, I have been making jewelry. NO you cannot see it yet, I'm not ready. But when you do, you'll like it, I promise. I also have been branching even further out into recycled accessories. It has been very fulfilling for me to come up with these wearable items that otherwise would have been thrown away and wasted. 

I have tried to stay away from my grandmother this week (who is in the hospital with pneumonia) because I have had what FELT like strep, but ended up being a bad head cold. That's the last thing she needs is my sick ass coming in there and making her worse. I do worry about her a lot. She seemed so weak and just tired of trying.  It scares me, but I try and think instead about how she makes me laugh, and how her smile lights up her whole face. How no matter how lonely I feel, she still talks to me (even though she doesn't like to talk) and makes me feel good about everything.

I love you Grandmother.

Now that I am fitfully crying, I think it's time to go for now.

p.s. Here's another song that pulls at my heart, and reminds me of things that can't be undone.

<3

I think I'm coming down

I am slowly catching up with people, places, things, and websites (including this one!) that I have let go for a while. It is hard to stay focused on more that one major project at a time, and when I try, all of the small things really suffer.

In fact, Haley and I met up with Thomas and Ashley at Ryu Sushi Bar on Summer for dinner tonight. I love eating there so that was a bonus, but I hadn't seen either of them for like 2 years at least so that was awesome. I told them that we should do it again really soon, and I meant it. I also told Ashley to come by anytime, even with the baby. She wanted to look at some jewelry, so we can just sit in the floor with Hendrix and make her something, and close the door so we don't have to worry about Yaya with the baby. ( I know that Yaya wouldn't hurt him, but I don't wanna chance an accident)

I miss my friends. A LOT. I miss having people to chat with on the regular. I got so used to living in a house with a bunch of people, that now that we live out on our own I feel lonely all the time. Haley is not into the crafting, and lives far out in Tipton county that she doesn't come over very much. Even on the weekends. Aaron is not interested in crafting much either. OR art for that matter really. It is also hard to meet new people. My mother suggested trying to invite over people from the Metal Museum, but I'm terrified they will get over here and realize that I'm not as creative as they are. My ego can't take the bruising right now. I wish my mother lived here, or I lived in Florida near her. We could sit and make stuff all day. Sew something, make pottery, string some beads, make something good to eat and just talk.

Anyways, I need another drink. Call me or something. I miss hearing your voice.

<3

Man, it is hard to stay focused on everything I have going on right now. The blog, unfortunately has suffered for it. I did promise more pictures of what I have been up to so here they are:

Fabric bracelets! So cute!

resin and glass

blue glass

blue glass GLOWS

mini glass cubes

what a pretty rosary

blue glass mix seed beads

sold as a set

transistors and clay beads

resistors and transistors

resisitors

mixed electrical parts

dainty hanging resistors

crackled green glass and purple swirl triple wrap

(this belongs to Misty now)

buttons buttons buttons!!!

watch parts encased in resin

screw nuts and hemp wrap

Another reversible tree of life pendant

(with REAL Mississippi river rocks!)

pretty refurbished piece

resin and hematite cubes with silver toggle clasp

I am working on lots of other projects at the moment too. I have been working with the Ornamental Metal Museum downtown and selling items out of their gift shop. I will probably accept an internship with them later this year. (If they'll have me lol)

My mother and I are doing the Cooper Young festival later this year in September. I will also be at the Millington flea market off and in until then. (As soon as they will have me too lol)

I will keep updating as I go. There are more images on Haley's camera that I have to get off before I can show you. 

OH and btw. 

SOMEONE PLEASE COME CRAFT WITH ME I AM SO LONELY

Busy, but lonely.

I have to take a shower or I'd stay and talk some more.

<3

VERY quick post

I know it has been a long time, but instead of talking too much as usual, I will show you what I have been doing.

These are real Mississippi river rocks wrapped in wire.

Be back soon with more!!!

I just got home from work and I need to eat lol

We spent a lot of Saturday packing stuff. You know, you really have no idea how much stuff you got till you have to move it all. I cleaned and organized my rock and gemstone collections, and realized just how many rocks I have picked up off the ground over the years. ITS A LOT. So many that I'm going to have a few boxes of just rocks. lol 

I have slowly but surely tried to donate many of the items I don't use, or don't need any more. Nick nacks, clothes, software, posters, linens, and even all of my old toys and stuffed animals that I think I'm a little too old for. lol We have already taken like 2 big bags and 3 big boxes of stuff to Goodwill this weekend, and I have YET to clean out my closet and dresser drawers. 

We packed up many of the little decor items sitting around upstairs, some of which is my collection of little hand carved boxes. I have no idea where I'll put them in the new apartment, since we will be using the curio cabinets to house all of the movies and such. Since I am forcing Aaron to put the tv and dvd player on an actual stand in the bedroom, maybe I'll have my long dresser to put decor on. Its pretty, with a large antique mirror on the back of it. I think it'll be perfect. 

It's still over a month till we move and I seriously cannot wait to get in the new place. My mother called yesterday and said she wanted to buy us a new couch for a housewarming gift, and since she is in Florida and can't come down till a few weeks after we move in, I get to go buy a couch myself! Big Lots here I come!!! I thought it was really nice of her to do that for us. I love my mom.

Guess what? It's picture time!!!

I made this out of cord, two buttons, 

two beads and recycled beer tabs!

Teh internets are teaching me so much!

This one I made for myself actually, last night.

Ceramic button ring made with 

non-tarnish solver wire wrapping

This was a refurbish piece I made for my boss, Gail.

She broke an old bracelet she had for years, 

so I turned it into a pretty necklace for her.

The clasp is from a broken vintage necklace 

I got at an estate sale.

I think it goes well with this piece.

<3