I think I'm coming down

I am slowly catching up with people, places, things, and websites (including this one!) that I have let go for a while. It is hard to stay focused on more that one major project at a time, and when I try, all of the small things really suffer.

In fact, Haley and I met up with Thomas and Ashley at Ryu Sushi Bar on Summer for dinner tonight. I love eating there so that was a bonus, but I hadn't seen either of them for like 2 years at least so that was awesome. I told them that we should do it again really soon, and I meant it. I also told Ashley to come by anytime, even with the baby. She wanted to look at some jewelry, so we can just sit in the floor with Hendrix and make her something, and close the door so we don't have to worry about Yaya with the baby. ( I know that Yaya wouldn't hurt him, but I don't wanna chance an accident)

I miss my friends. A LOT. I miss having people to chat with on the regular. I got so used to living in a house with a bunch of people, that now that we live out on our own I feel lonely all the time. Haley is not into the crafting, and lives far out in Tipton county that she doesn't come over very much. Even on the weekends. Aaron is not interested in crafting much either. OR art for that matter really. It is also hard to meet new people. My mother suggested trying to invite over people from the Metal Museum, but I'm terrified they will get over here and realize that I'm not as creative as they are. My ego can't take the bruising right now. I wish my mother lived here, or I lived in Florida near her. We could sit and make stuff all day. Sew something, make pottery, string some beads, make something good to eat and just talk.

Anyways, I need another drink. Call me or something. I miss hearing your voice.

<3

Venture MANIA and regrets GALORE

(this is my favorite pulp song and and again reminds me 
of someone who knew me better than I knew myself.)

Steroid Maximus_Venture Bros Medley from JG Thirlwell on Vimeo.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love The Venture Brothers? I finally got season 4.2 and watched it for the second time. There was more content in the DVD version that what I saw on the website when it came out. Little tidbits of the story I either didn't catch or simply weren't there the first time I watched it. I am OVERJOYED at the awesomeness of it all. Why can't I live in that universe? Why am I stuck in this sucky universe? I think I'd make an awesome Super Scientist. And Haley would so be my Super Villain arch nemesis. I'd marry Gary and make him a happy man. After the ending to season 4.2 I feel so bad for him, I just want to hold him and cuddle him till he forgot all about that evil woman, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch. There are so many things to talk about, and I am too inebriated to even speak on them all. I love Shorleave and Al. I love Brock and Mol. I love Orpheus and Triana. I especially love Dean and Hank. I really do love them all. It is definitively my favorite show of all time! Kudos to the men who created it. You have made my life a better place to be. If you have not watched The Venture Borthers, PLEASE clal me, and we can watch them. I have all seasons up to date, and am ALWAYS willing to watch them again... over and over and over. BEST. SHOW. EVAR. PERIOD.

I am up again way too late again. I will admit that I have been drinking tonight. That is not the reason I feel this way. It simply makes it easier to admit to the things I am saying lol. I am listening to the Stereogum mix as usual. As with my tastes in music lately, I find that I am not like other people around me. Even Aaron does not share my tastes in shows, or music, or life in general sometimes. I need someone to share these things with. Haley likes The Venture Brothers, so we still have that major item in my life in common, but I think we steadily grow apart, day by day. It is something I think about alot. I wonder sometimes, if I am closing myself off to others. If maybe it is me how is out of whack with those around me. Perhaps I focus too much on the differences we have, and not enough on the things we do have in common. All I know is that I can't stand the idea of us not having that connection we always had as teens. I want to be closer to the people around me, the people I love, but it is hard when we are physically so far apart. When schedules do not allow for that kind of regular contact. Hell, I live with Aaron and I feel like we barely get enough time to be actively involved in each others interests and emotions. I FEEL too much, and I think too much. I need to think less and BE more. Perhaps it will be easier when I am working a regular schedule and not focused on school so much. I find that most of the day is taken up by work, and school, and homework, and studying, and life's routines, and me worrying about little things I cannot affect at this point in my life. Maybe I am just kidding myself that moving away will fix everything I think is broken in my life. Starting over will only bring more problems for me to "fix." I want to be there more for my family, and especially for my grandparents. The last time I was there at their house, my grandfather said something to the affect of he was surprised I even showed up. I'm not sure he knows how much those kinds of comments affect me. I'm finally getting my collective "shit" together, and I can't be there like I want to be. I cannot wait till I graduate. At least then I can have more focus on things that matter to me via a regular schedule that I can manage my life easier with. I know I talk and talk and talk a lot of crap. I need to deliver, and fast, before I lose all of the things that really matter to me. I just hope those I love are willing to compromise with me and FOR me as I am for them, whether they see that or not.

On a much lighter note, I created a CYBER ME to talk to. I am still in the process of programming her to be more like me. She Is Jenny V2 and she is located at the bottom of my blog, here on this page. Talk to her, I'm sure she is just as lonely as I am.

Goodnight bloggers.

<3

sushi and jewelry and new music OH MY

Well,a few nights ago I got Haley to slide by the house, and me her and Aaron made home made sushi. I thought we did pretty well! Salmon, and crab, and cream cheese, and cucumbers, and panko bread crumbs make for awesome cooked sushi. It's not something I want to do all of the time, considering how much it cost to get all of the ingredients we didn't already have.

I am just dropping in to say hello and show you what I made tonight.

Isn't it preeetty?

Leslie seems to think so.

Hopefully I can upload to my site again real soon, 

I already have PLENTY made.

 Gnite bloggers!

<3

ZOMG Im finally done uploading

(An oldie but a goodie. This song always makes me want to cry.
It reminds me of my father)

I have been uploading images to River Rock Jewelry since about 7pm tonight. IT IS NOW AFTER MIDNIGHT. That's a lot of pictures! I currently have 155 items for sale on my site!!! This makes me very happy! Also that's only about HALF of the items I have to sell. lol I have a lot more to take images of and upload to the site. Here is a crappy webcam picture of the MESS of items I have in boxes in the floor next to my desk.

 I will never be done lol

I should know about my school internship schedule by Monday, hopefully. I do have tomorrow to look forward to though. Haley, my mother, and I are all going out downtown to Bluefin tomorrow night for dinner. We have a reservation at 7pm in one of the private dining rooms. Its gonna be so awesome. They have the best sushi in Memphis. I also really like their mussels. I'm super excited!

TIME LAPSE

So I started writing this post about an hour ago, and then my roommate Leslie came in and we started talking about things, and I got distracted. It is now 1:32 am, and I feel like she and I just connected. We talked about school, and finding a better path in our lives, and how we plan on getting there. I know she and I have never been SUPER close, but I feel like we have many things in common despite the big gaps in differences we have. I care alot about Leslie, and I want her to be happy in life. I hope she finds what she is looking for.

I started this day exhausted and down. I end it upbeat and optimistic about life. 

Have a great night everyone!

<3

Lord please fix my AC unit

(I know it's Whitesnake, but I love this song so deal with it.)

The AC went out tonight in the house, so we opened all the windows, and it wasn't TOO bad, but it was still pretty warm in here. Tomorrow will be even worse I'm sure. It's supposed to get up to past 70 tomorrow for most of the day, which means it will be 80 plus in here. Thank god we have a window unit upstairs so I can actually sleep. I'll call Matt in the morning and see if he can't swing by and fix it for me.

I'm headed out to Haley's in the morning to take pics of all my new items for sale! I have about 25 or more to take images of, so I have to rush the photography session to get back here in time to get to work by 5. I won't have time to post them, but I will do it as soon as I get home tomorrow, which will be past 11pm. 

I have had absolutely no time to play anything this week, so I haven't been on LOTRO in days. I apologize to Ryan for abandoning him as soon as he joined the game. It's just been a hell of a week for me. 

I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams everyone!

<3

Up too late again... IMAGINE THAT

I have been having a lot of fun with my new guild, Bastion of Light. They took me on a very short burst of chaos tonight in a place called CD. Don't ask me what it stands for, I honestly have no idea. I'm not even really sure how well I did for that short 5 minute session. I realized very quickly that I am a noob at this instance run stuff, and I have alot to learn.

Aaron and Haley are really having fun too with it all, and the guild seems to really like us. I'm pretty quiet, which is not normal for me. I think I learned my lesson with being pushy and loud and talkative. I don't want them to think I'm annoying, or a weirdo lol. I'll be honest though, I miss ACT. (The Allied Combat Team, my old guild in Star Wars Galaxies) I miss the boys and their ridiculousness. This guild is definitely NOT ACT. They don't curse, they are REALLY polite, and sometimes, I catch myself about to say something in guild chat that I totally shouldn't say. I miss my crazy Galaxies buddies. Hopefully soon, I will find myself a late night person to stick with, and be able to be a little more of myself.

Speaking of ACT, I jumped in one of the many venty servers they have setup and talked with Brandon and Larry the other night. I also talked to Brian for a few minutes earlier today in his vent server. I think that's what made me miss it so much. Most of them are all still playing Galaxies or the EMU (SWG emulator), and I think are just waiting on TOR to come out. (Knights of the Old Republic) Knowing my luck, I won't have the pc power to run it, which will make me very sad. It's not that I don't like LOTRO, it's just that Haley and Aaron are WAY more into it than I am. It makes me feel out of place.

I'm really into my characters though, and have been taking a ton of screenshots.

I have to sleep now. Have a wonderful night/day/whatever.

<3

Mock Turtle! Get it? it's an Alice in Wonderland referance!

I slept in really late today, so I'm having trouble sleeping again. I knew I should have gotten up when the alarm clock went off the first time, but I thought to myself "I'm off today, and this bed feels really good, so to heck with it!" First time I've gotten to sleep in till I wanted to for weeks.

Today several things happened. I went to Wal-mart this afternoon and bought way too much stuff. Found some really cute and cheap beads, a nice new shirt, and bought groceries to make stuffed meatloaf for dinner tonight. It didn't really go as planned, I got distracted AS USUAL in Wal-mart by all the shiny things I wanted. So I was running late, and I almost missed Haley leaving the house. I need to get her a new key so she can get inside when things like this happen. Hell, I should have done that at Wal-mart!

She and I had a drink or two while I sauteed the onions, celery, and mushrooms. Them I mixed that with chopped spinach and mozzarella cheese. Instead of making a loaf of the meatloaf mix (however you like to make yours) you just spread it out in a flat rectangle and put the spinach mix lumped up along one end of the rectangle. Then you roll up the meatloaf over the spinach mix and shape it much like a Swiss roll. Pinch the ends to seal it all in, cook on 350 for about an hour, and SHAZZAM you got the best thing EVAR. I was gonna do homemade mashed potatoes, but I was behind schedule and I had already gotten green beans and croissants as sides too, so that was plenty of food. It was freaking awesome.

Halfway through cooking dinner, Aaron called and said he was gonna be late. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was gonna go with his mom to the hospital. My heart jumped, because I worry about her a lot, she just beat cancer off with her big stick of fortitude, and is currently battling diabetes complications.They told her earlier this week that she can't have gluten anymore, and I don't know if you're aware, but its in EVERYTHING. So she keeps sending us all of her evil gluten and sugar filled groceries. lol

The reason she had to go to the hospital was, some guy in a freaking tow truck ran a red light and she hit him, which is pretty lucky cause if he had hit her in that huge thing she might not have been quite so lucky. It completely totaled her car, but she got away with just some bruises and a painful injury to her wrist. I was so relieved to hear that she is okay. Aaron might not show it but he worries about her a lot. He loves his mother.

Haley and I talked for a long time tonight, and I love that. We talk so much more now than we used to, and I feel like these talks are more personal and meaningful than ever. That makes me feel good that we are closer. I love that woman. We also talked about thing less personal, like her joining that new guild, Bastion of Light. I think she will really like it. She is excited to get to do some bigger group stuff, but she hasn't been able to decide which character to take to the guild. I hope that this gives her the lotro revival she has been looking for.

After she left, I did some laundry and logged in myself to the game. I wanted to get some epic quests done for my lore-master so that I can get and use cosmetic pets, like the turtle. I spend over an hour with Aaron trying to get these quests done. We could not finish the last quest, and we tried it several times. It is an escort mission that is timed, and we always ended up a few seconds short of the finish line. I got so frustrated that I put in a CS ticket right about the time Aaron went to bed. Within minutes, a dev  IMed me. He asked me to clarify the situation and then as he watched me from his magic dev control whatevertheyuse, I attempted the quest again. When I came up about 6 seconds short, he said that unfortunately he could not hit a magic button to fix the quest, or advance me without completing that quest, he would put in a report about it suggesting the quest timer be raised. He was a very nice guy. I told him that I was determined to get it, and that I was gonna keep trying till I did. He suggested getting someone to escort me as well, eliminating enemies that might attack me on the way, and I told him that my fiance already did that and we still failed. The dev apologized and seemed genuinely concerned about my plight. He told me again he would report it, and we went our separate ways. I attempted the ques one last time before bed, and sure enough, just as my luck would have it, I completed the quest with literally one second to spare. HAHA So I got my turtle, and also got a bunny, and I already had the squirrel. YAY I named the turtle Mock. the bunny WhiteRabbit, and the squirrel is DangerSquirrel.
Inside joke! Ask Haley. lol

Oh and the day before yesterday Aaron, Yaya, and I walked 3 miles down the Wolf River - Kennedy Park nature trail. It's so pretty this time of year. Things are just starting to grow because of the sorta/kinda off and on winter we have had this year. And there are no bugs yet! I did find one tick on me, but you gotta expect that sorta thing in the woods! It was a lot of fun and Yaya came home and flopped down on the couch and slept for most of the afternoon. She got really hot for a while out there, but she just gets so excited the first few times we go out after winter. She hates the cold, and wont go to the park with me until its warm enough. Well I mean she goes but she always wants back in the car within a few minutes.lol She's just not built for the cold. It just made me so happy to see her so excited.
I love that dog. She always brings light to my day.

Feeling accomplished, I am off to bed.
I must work in the morn.

<3

passive enlightenment

I have been reading a book compiled by a late 19th century author called Paul Carrus. It is called The Teachings of Buddha. Here is a passage that has stuck with me, since an argument Haley and I had recently.

"Self is a fleeting error; it is individual separateness and that egotism which engenders envy and hatred. Self is the yearning for pleasure and the lust after vanity. Truth us the correct comprehension of things; it is the permanent and everlasting, the real in all existence, the bliss of righteousness. The existence of self is an illusion, and there is no wrong in this world, no vice, no evil, except what flows from the assertion of self. The attainment of truth is possible only when self is recognized as an illusion. Righteousness can be practiced only when we have freed out mind from passions of egotism. Perfect peace can dwell only where all vanity has disappeared."

I feel sometimes that I am irreparably flawed, that I cannot even hope to become the person I want to be. That simply I am who I am and there is no such thing as complete change in a person. Then I read things like this and the change seems even more overwhelming. But all this week, I realized even more how weak I am. How little will power I have to stop myself from doing things I know are bad for me.

This has only made me more determined. I will make mistakes, I am not perfect. I must accept that being hard on myself is part of my ego (for all of the wrong reasons), and correct my behavior accordingly. I also must accept that ego is a big part of everyone's life in this society as it is, and stop fighting it. It is not my battle to fight for others, just WITH them. I have a hard enough time doing it for myself.

It's not because I want to be better than others (as if I have life figured out hahaha), but FOR others in my life, and for myself. If I am a better centered person, I will be a better mother for my kids, and a more stable person in general. The self doubt I apply to everything must stop. I feel like if I don't overcome this huge obstacle, I will not be able to win this fight to better myself.

(Simply put) I am self centered, and I want to tone it down a bit.
I want to be a better wife, a better friend, a better person.

Formulating a plan is easy. Putting it in regular practice in and under stress is another thing entirely.

PS: Even the video inspired me today. I found this under the comments for this video on YouTube.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

or as Haley quoted to me yesterday
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and procaliming, " Wow, what a ride!"

im just saying...

Haley should watch THIS video.

Right now!

this post will be a repeat for those of you on facebook

AND I deactivated the facebook account too, so... yeah... lol

I know I haven't posted in a while. A LOT has been going on. My mother was in town for a week, and then Haley and I went out of town for another week to East TN to visit her aunt Donna in Niota. Since we got back, Ive worked alot to make up for the time I missed. I'm still working on getting into school, and Ive been sick as well. I wont go into it, but I'm basically gonna have to have two teeth cut out, and its going to suck. lol

I wanted to come on and share some of the pictures from the trip!

Somewhere outside Niota.Center of Niota

This is Max.
And Dixie
And Molly.They are all great dogs. We played ALOT. lol Molly is a little firecracker.

Here we are driving to the Cherokee National Park. It was a BEAUTIFUL day.

We stopped in Joyce Kilmer to see the big trees. 400+ years old.

Someone told me recently when they saw this picture that only me and Haley find stuff like this.They arent redwoods, but for this area its pretty impressive.If you look close, you can see the trees are fighting very slowly over a rock.Cool abstract rock.Look! a little hobbit house!Another neat rock face. I take pictures of the silliest things.These pics are random images taken while 5K feet up on the mountains in Cherokee.

This was by the Tennessee Chees Farm we went to. MAN they had some good cheese!On the road home.

I also have a short video of our trip. Short because my cam will only film for about 20 seconds.


It really was a blast. We tried to mainly just RELAX. And not think about the troubles of our worlds. And it was awsome to really get some time with Haley. I had been missing her alot since we started working so much. I really was starting to get jealous of Jason getting more time than me!!! lol Anyways, Im off to bed. I have phone calls to make in the morning, and I gotta work a short shift.