Mock Turtle! Get it? it's an Alice in Wonderland referance!

I slept in really late today, so I'm having trouble sleeping again. I knew I should have gotten up when the alarm clock went off the first time, but I thought to myself "I'm off today, and this bed feels really good, so to heck with it!" First time I've gotten to sleep in till I wanted to for weeks.

Today several things happened. I went to Wal-mart this afternoon and bought way too much stuff. Found some really cute and cheap beads, a nice new shirt, and bought groceries to make stuffed meatloaf for dinner tonight. It didn't really go as planned, I got distracted AS USUAL in Wal-mart by all the shiny things I wanted. So I was running late, and I almost missed Haley leaving the house. I need to get her a new key so she can get inside when things like this happen. Hell, I should have done that at Wal-mart!

She and I had a drink or two while I sauteed the onions, celery, and mushrooms. Them I mixed that with chopped spinach and mozzarella cheese. Instead of making a loaf of the meatloaf mix (however you like to make yours) you just spread it out in a flat rectangle and put the spinach mix lumped up along one end of the rectangle. Then you roll up the meatloaf over the spinach mix and shape it much like a Swiss roll. Pinch the ends to seal it all in, cook on 350 for about an hour, and SHAZZAM you got the best thing EVAR. I was gonna do homemade mashed potatoes, but I was behind schedule and I had already gotten green beans and croissants as sides too, so that was plenty of food. It was freaking awesome.

Halfway through cooking dinner, Aaron called and said he was gonna be late. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was gonna go with his mom to the hospital. My heart jumped, because I worry about her a lot, she just beat cancer off with her big stick of fortitude, and is currently battling diabetes complications.They told her earlier this week that she can't have gluten anymore, and I don't know if you're aware, but its in EVERYTHING. So she keeps sending us all of her evil gluten and sugar filled groceries. lol

The reason she had to go to the hospital was, some guy in a freaking tow truck ran a red light and she hit him, which is pretty lucky cause if he had hit her in that huge thing she might not have been quite so lucky. It completely totaled her car, but she got away with just some bruises and a painful injury to her wrist. I was so relieved to hear that she is okay. Aaron might not show it but he worries about her a lot. He loves his mother.

Haley and I talked for a long time tonight, and I love that. We talk so much more now than we used to, and I feel like these talks are more personal and meaningful than ever. That makes me feel good that we are closer. I love that woman. We also talked about thing less personal, like her joining that new guild, Bastion of Light. I think she will really like it. She is excited to get to do some bigger group stuff, but she hasn't been able to decide which character to take to the guild. I hope that this gives her the lotro revival she has been looking for.

After she left, I did some laundry and logged in myself to the game. I wanted to get some epic quests done for my lore-master so that I can get and use cosmetic pets, like the turtle. I spend over an hour with Aaron trying to get these quests done. We could not finish the last quest, and we tried it several times. It is an escort mission that is timed, and we always ended up a few seconds short of the finish line. I got so frustrated that I put in a CS ticket right about the time Aaron went to bed. Within minutes, a dev  IMed me. He asked me to clarify the situation and then as he watched me from his magic dev control whatevertheyuse, I attempted the quest again. When I came up about 6 seconds short, he said that unfortunately he could not hit a magic button to fix the quest, or advance me without completing that quest, he would put in a report about it suggesting the quest timer be raised. He was a very nice guy. I told him that I was determined to get it, and that I was gonna keep trying till I did. He suggested getting someone to escort me as well, eliminating enemies that might attack me on the way, and I told him that my fiance already did that and we still failed. The dev apologized and seemed genuinely concerned about my plight. He told me again he would report it, and we went our separate ways. I attempted the ques one last time before bed, and sure enough, just as my luck would have it, I completed the quest with literally one second to spare. HAHA So I got my turtle, and also got a bunny, and I already had the squirrel. YAY I named the turtle Mock. the bunny WhiteRabbit, and the squirrel is DangerSquirrel.
Inside joke! Ask Haley. lol

Oh and the day before yesterday Aaron, Yaya, and I walked 3 miles down the Wolf River - Kennedy Park nature trail. It's so pretty this time of year. Things are just starting to grow because of the sorta/kinda off and on winter we have had this year. And there are no bugs yet! I did find one tick on me, but you gotta expect that sorta thing in the woods! It was a lot of fun and Yaya came home and flopped down on the couch and slept for most of the afternoon. She got really hot for a while out there, but she just gets so excited the first few times we go out after winter. She hates the cold, and wont go to the park with me until its warm enough. Well I mean she goes but she always wants back in the car within a few minutes.lol She's just not built for the cold. It just made me so happy to see her so excited.
I love that dog. She always brings light to my day.

Feeling accomplished, I am off to bed.
I must work in the morn.

<3

Strange Angels

Despite living in a city like Memphis where there are deep cuts from racism and poverty I rarely talk about racism, or politics, or economics. But I was thinking alot about them today. I watched a story on a little place in MS called Turkey Creek, where direct descendants of black slaves were fighting to save their historical town. No one would help them, not the state or federal govts, not the NAACP, not even the people you would think would fight for their rights. Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, and many more of these powerful figures would talk on end about the injustice of these events, and about the tragedy of what would happen to the land these people have lived on for 150 years, but they have not raised one finger to help the citizens of Turkey Creek fight for their rights. 

The city even bulldozed a very old graveyard, and built apartments right over the historical grave sites. It was not saved because it was never mapped out for the National Historical Sites Listing. Things continued to get worse until it was discovered that there are many types of endangered or threatened bird species living in that area. That is when the Audubon Society stepped in, and now they are making huge chunks of Turkey Creek protected habitat for these birds, consequentially saving the citizens homes from the bulldozers.

There was an interview with a town advocate on the latest episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The guy says that when the outdoor enthusiasts showed up in their town, things quickly began to change for the better. Citizens were even educated to identify birds different bird species, and to help the Audubon people to count these animals for study.

The whole thing just shows that for people in power the only thing that matters is profits. But bird people REALLY love birds. And if hanging out with the bird nerds, or whoever is in a position to help us save our country - our planet, well then I'm more than happy to do so. Hey I like birds! I must admit that I do like the planet in general more than people. I just want to see Turkey Creek citizens keep their ancestral homes. I want to see them given  more opportunities to learn the tools that will help them better their town and themselves. I want to see the history preserved, for future generations to experience. I want to see us working together, no matter our personal motivations, to better ourselves and our world. 

passive enlightenment

I have been reading a book compiled by a late 19th century author called Paul Carrus. It is called The Teachings of Buddha. Here is a passage that has stuck with me, since an argument Haley and I had recently.

"Self is a fleeting error; it is individual separateness and that egotism which engenders envy and hatred. Self is the yearning for pleasure and the lust after vanity. Truth us the correct comprehension of things; it is the permanent and everlasting, the real in all existence, the bliss of righteousness. The existence of self is an illusion, and there is no wrong in this world, no vice, no evil, except what flows from the assertion of self. The attainment of truth is possible only when self is recognized as an illusion. Righteousness can be practiced only when we have freed out mind from passions of egotism. Perfect peace can dwell only where all vanity has disappeared."

I feel sometimes that I am irreparably flawed, that I cannot even hope to become the person I want to be. That simply I am who I am and there is no such thing as complete change in a person. Then I read things like this and the change seems even more overwhelming. But all this week, I realized even more how weak I am. How little will power I have to stop myself from doing things I know are bad for me.

This has only made me more determined. I will make mistakes, I am not perfect. I must accept that being hard on myself is part of my ego (for all of the wrong reasons), and correct my behavior accordingly. I also must accept that ego is a big part of everyone's life in this society as it is, and stop fighting it. It is not my battle to fight for others, just WITH them. I have a hard enough time doing it for myself.

It's not because I want to be better than others (as if I have life figured out hahaha), but FOR others in my life, and for myself. If I am a better centered person, I will be a better mother for my kids, and a more stable person in general. The self doubt I apply to everything must stop. I feel like if I don't overcome this huge obstacle, I will not be able to win this fight to better myself.

(Simply put) I am self centered, and I want to tone it down a bit.
I want to be a better wife, a better friend, a better person.

Formulating a plan is easy. Putting it in regular practice in and under stress is another thing entirely.

PS: Even the video inspired me today. I found this under the comments for this video on YouTube.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

or as Haley quoted to me yesterday
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and procaliming, " Wow, what a ride!"

I always feel so good after a workout

(Passion Pit is awesome to workout to!)

Hell, Ive forgotten how good the after feeling is, I've let it go for so long. 5 minutes of stretching, then 20 minutes of dancing with gentle toning movements for my arms and legs, Then 10 minutes of reps for my butt, back, arms and legs. Then 5 miles on the bike to really get the heart rate going. Today I went a half a mile longer. Then I walk some if it off, and stretch again. MAN do I feel good now. Before I started it felt like an old diesel engine getting started up, and I almost NEVER want to work out. But I make myself get up, put on a headset of loud fast music, and slowly start stretching. I close my eyes and imagine being on the dancefloor at a club with my friends. It puts me in one of those euphoric moods, and makes it easier to get into the mood to move lol

I had a workout buddy today! She wasn't very motivational though lol Yaya sat the whole time next to the bike like, WTH is she doing?!?!? STOP IT AND PLAY WITH ME!!!

I've also gotten myself out of the habit of writing again, and I finally accept that my general daily attitudes come in phases. Some days I let life get to me, and regularly wallow in my own self pity for a while. Then after my "girl time" usually, I hit a high peak again, and I'm back on track. Now, I happen to be back on my track of good thoughts and motivation. Realizing this about myself made this last bad phase easier to motivate myself. I just have to always keep in mind, good or bad mood, that i can do this... whatever it is. I have been through worse, and noone can beat me down but ME.

I can do this. I WILL do this, for ME.<3

Who told you love was fleeting?

Despite extra time (and I think it has a lot to do with my sleeping schedule) I have been unable to keep up with everything I have going on. Maybe I shouldn't make so many promises to so many people. I just love making people happy. With my work, with school, and with my jewelry business. I'm telling you, giving someone even a small gift, like a smile or laugh, really makes me happy. Sometimes I do wish it came my way a little more often, I won't lie. Everyone does things for selfish reasons. I do feel that of all of the selfish things I am prone to, that this one gives me the most pleasure. Just telling a joke, or being witty enough to impress someone with my sly way of making them feel better about something is great because I feel like I've made a real difference to someone's day. Hopefully. But making a custom set of jewelry that is a physical object for someone to wear just makes me silly with happiness. They are excited to see the totally personalized work come together from a bunch of beads and wire,and it is a piece of art that they can display for everyone to see. I LOVE IT. Even the general pieces I made for anyone, I just try to imagine someone reaching out to the display board and exclaiming, "Oh this is perfect!" I makes me happy to spread happiness.

I'm kinda manic today if you couldn't tell! I have extra energy, so I'm going to use it to take pictures of even more jewelry! lol I have a never ending supply of energy to MAKE more jewelry.

Oh, here's some more of my random happiness: